5 Hilarious Stories About Prostitutes ... Strippers .... And Asian Massage Parlors

0:00 Why does your penis have a head on it? To keep your hand from slipping off. Welcome to the Unapologetic Man Podcast. The only podcast that's all about self-improvement, confidence, success, women, and being a man without making any apologies for it. What is up, you champions? Thank you for tuning in to another episode of the UMP. Today, boys, is Monday. I want to take it easy today. I want to entertain you. I know for a lot of you, Mondays absolutely suck because you're back to the grind and maybe you didn't have the best weekend.

0:38 Maybe, like the guys I'm going to talk about in this episode, including a few stories about myself, you had to resort to getting a rub and tug at the Asian massage parlor or even get a prostitute just to get your dick wet because you don't have game. And while we can laugh about it and while I'm going to tell you some seriously funny shit today, it kind of sucks when you can't pull girls, doesn't it? When you have to actually resort to paying for it. I have a lot of clients that come into my program that said, man, I paid for sex for years.

1:08 It just isn't satisfying because you don't really have that connection with that girl. And honestly, like that energetic connection, that attraction connection really adds to the experience. And if you're going to get a prostitute, you might as well just get a sex doll because honestly, that's how empty it feels. So if you're in that boat, yeah, it's going to be funny some of these stories that I tell. But genuinely, brother, I'm sorry you're having to go through that. I hope that my podcast is helping you to get some games so that you can actually attract a girl who's attracted to you.

1:40 And you guys can have that connection where sex is a million times better when attraction is actually there. So again, boys, today's Monday. Want to take it easy. Want to make you laugh a little bit. Tell you some stories about rub and tug places, prostitutes. And I don't know if you guys knew, but I actually used to drive strippers. And I've seen some crazy ass shit in my time as a bodyguard for strippers. A story I'm going to tell you today absolutely happened, was the funniest shit that ever happened.

2:09 And it's actually the reason that I spent my one and only night in jail. Came out with neck tattoos, came out all pale and completely swole because I spent 18 hours in jail. And I always joke about it with my friends. I'm like, yeah, dude, I'm a fucking convict. Dude, I've been in jail for a day. And I'm going to tell you guys why that happened. So this podcast sprang out of a funny conversation that my buddy and I were having last night. He told me a story that I'm going to tell you right now that was absolutely hilarious.

2:38 So when he was in high school and college, he used to go to this really skanky ass strip club in like St. Louis or some shit. And he said that there were two ladies that would do like this like shower show. And it was like a lesbian shower show. And these hicks from neighboring cities who didn't have strip clubs in their cities would drive out to St. Louis to this like super scummy strip club to celebrate like bachelor parties and to celebrate like birthdays and shit.

3:07 So these guys would come in and they would be completely clueless. And these girls would bring these guys up on stage. They would blindfold them. And then they would continue doing their act where they would fuck each other with a dildo in the ass and then stick the dildo in the dude's mouth. And he had no idea what was happening. And my buddy was like, yeah, man, I was always in the first row in the splash sheets. And we would always be like, no, dude, don't go up there.

3:34 And then when the dildo would go into his mouth, we would all just be like, oh, just like absolutely fucking laughing. It's hilarious. Some of the shit that goes down. Have you guys ever been to a rub and tug place? I'm going to admit to you, man, I've done it one time. And this was my experience. So my buddy's like, yeah, dude, I'm super into the rub and tug places. And I'm like, what is that anyways? He's like, it's a massage parlor, usually like an Asian massage parlor where they massage you and then they give you a fucking handjob at the end.

4:07 So I was like, really, is that legal? And he's like, nah, man, it's totally illegal. And the cops are shutting down these places left and right, man. But it's like whack-a-mole. They keep popping up everywhere. And then the cops have to go shut them down. So he's like, do you want to try it? And I was like, yeah, I guess. Like, my game was okay at that time. It wasn't to where I eventually got it. But who doesn't want to fucking rub and tug, right? Like, we all want to try that once.

4:32 And I'm not suggesting you guys use this resource. And my buddy told me, too. He's like, dude, oftentimes when I go in there, these chicks think I'm a cop because, like, he has a shaved head and he's kind of ripped and he can't get the service. And he's like, so when we show up, you can't look too tactical, bro. You kind of got to dress down a little bit. So we go in there and they lay me down on a table and this one Asian chick comes in and she's like, you want boom, boom?

4:58 And I was like, no, I just want, like, like a handjob, right? So she's like, okay. So she called in this other chick. So she's, like, massaging me or whatever. And then it's time for the rub and tug. And, like, I get hard. And I think she put on a plastic glove or something. It was very medical and not the greatest experience. But I remember very clearly, dude, she had, like, a cold or some shit. And she's sitting there, like, jacking me off. And she's breathing, like, all right?

5:28 And I'm like, ah, this is turning me off. And, like, I almost couldn't come. I eventually shot my load everywhere. And I was just like, yo, that's the last time I'm doing this. This is fucked up shit. But, again, boys, if you have to resort to that, I feel bad for you. The experience of, like, having a prostitute, although me personally, I've never actually had sex with a prostitute. Again, the rub and tug was the gnarliest thing I've ever done. But that experience was so impersonal.

5:56 And it was so kind of medical feeling. Like, I was just in there for some procedure. And she jacks me off and then sends me on my way. And you also hear stories of, like, sex trafficking and girls doing this against their will, which is honestly really sad. And, of course, this episode is here to make you laugh. But there's a lot of negativity in that, right? Just as there is in porn and other sexual-type industries. So, always, we have empathy for girls who are kind of pushed into this stuff.

6:25 But there's also, obviously, the funny aspect to it, which, of course, is the focus of today's episode. But, man, when she did that to me and I'm walking out and I'm like, ah, I kind of feel like I've been molested here. Like, this was not a good experience. And my buddy and I were laughing about it last night. We came up with some names. The Tension Ejectors. The Jerk Shack. The Handy Panda. We were also laughing about how there needs to be a rub and tug place for women.

6:52 And we were thinking about calling it Knuckle Dunkers. Like, women go in there, get massaged by a dude, and they get the knuckle dunking. Of course, girls would never do that, but we were kind of laughing about that. So, with this place that my buddy was telling me about where the girls would stick the used dildo from the ass, by the way, into the dude's mouth. He sent me a newspaper article that happened, like, a couple years after he graduated college where they actually closed down the place.

7:20 And, like, people showed up in hazmat suits to, like, clean the place out. Like, true fucking story. They showed up in hazmat suits. I read the article a little bit, and apparently they found, like, fentanyl in the back room. And some people were exposed to it, and they got really sick. And I'm laughing. It's a horrible story. But it's just funny. Like, this strip club where all this, like, super skeezy shit happened, they actually had to come with hazmat suits to close it down. Man, some funny shit happens.

7:51 And my buddy was actually telling me, actually, one of my clients, he's like, dude, my buddy went to a strip club the other night. He spent $3,000 to get a lap dance with the stripper and then eventually have sex with her. And he's like, man, having game saves you so much money. And I was like, of course it does, bro. Not only does it save you money from having to buy prostitutes, having to spend extraneous amounts of money, three grand on a fucking stripper. Are you kidding me?

8:16 And you might get scabies and freaking chlamydia. It also saves you from girls wasting your time, girls having you buy them shit, girls trying to get you to take them on expensive dates. When you have game and frame, you let women know, like, no, I'm not going to take you on an expensive date. I don't even know you yet. We're going to go fucking literally get coffee. And if that's a deal breaker for you, beat it. And when you tell them that, when you show them, they're not going to be able to just use you for your money.

8:43 That's when you get the respect and that's when you actually get their sex. And it's not going to cost you $3,000. On that note, some of you guys know that I lived in Japan for four years. Sex stuff is massive in Japan because they are some kind of crazy repressed society, bro. And it comes out in the weirdest ways. I remember I used to go to the video store to rent videos just to hear something in English because, obviously, I lived in Japan and all there was was Japanese television.

9:11 So I would go to the video store and find American movies. They always had the Japanese subtitles. And when you walk into the movie store, there's freaking porn right there. And you're seeing little kids walk in behind you and it's just porn right there. Like, they don't even hide it. It's just literally right there. In fact, it's the first fucking section where the porn is. I remember, I'm going to be honest with you. This was before the internet. It was in 2003. I don't think we had internet porn yet.

9:38 I didn't have my Pornhub frequent masturbator platinum card. So I would actually rent porn videos. And I remember the chick at the front desk would just kind of give me sideways glances like, dude, you are one horny white boy. Dude, you're in here every four days renting like six new videos. And I would, man. I completely admit it. And I know you guys are on that Pornhub and you porn just like I am. I mean, come on, boys. Let's admit it. As long as you don't do it in excess.

10:06 And for me personally, I try to discipline myself where I only watch it about three times a month. Also, I get to have sex with my woman who's super hot and I love having sex with her. But, dude, I'm not going to lie to you. I watch it sometimes. And I think it's okay that you watch it provided it doesn't go out of hand. But during those years, I was 25 years old. I wasn't really getting laid. Didn't have game yet. I was just getting into game.

10:28 Dude, I would rent so many porn videos. And they're just right fucking there. And then in Osaka, you have places where girls will just talk to you topless. You obviously have rub and tug places. You have all kinds of prostitution everywhere. But in that society, I believe it's technically illegal. And don't quote me on this. I haven't researched it. But it isn't really enforced. Because you literally have buildings full of like rub and tug places, topless girls talking to you. And they have this thing called Mizu Shobai, where guys will literally pay just to talk to girls.

11:03 And one time I was talking to my buddy and I was like, dude, why would you pay to talk to a girl? Like all the hard work without any of the fun shit. He's like, man, it's a huge thing out here. In fact, boys, I've told you before that when I was in Japan, I dated this super hot Russian chick that didn't speak English. So we spoke Japanese together. Well, that chick was a Mizu Shobai chick. So she would go and just talk to Japanese dudes because they wanted to talk to a raging hot white chick.

11:30 And she told me they didn't even touch them. Of course, she could have been lying to me. But I'm pretty sure she was telling me the truth where dudes will come in, buy her drinks, spend hundreds of dollars an hour just to talk to a girl. Guys, when you have game, you get to avoid all that shit. Seriously, having game is going to save you a ton of money. All right, boys, let me tell you about my story about driving strippers. This one is fucking hilarious.

11:55 And it's a true story as to why I went to jail. So I drove strippers. And essentially, driving strippers means I was a bodyguard for a girl who would go to guys' houses and strip for them. The premise was, and this is back in 2000 is when I was doing this. The premise was basically these guys are thinking that they're going to have sex with these girls. They find pictures at the time. It was at the back of, like, a newspaper. At the back of a newspaper.

12:24 I don't know what it was, like, Orange County Times or some shit. At the back of the newspaper, there's all these ads. Like, have this girl come over. Have that girl come over. And the guy basically chooses the girl he wants from these, like, ghetto-ass black-and-white pictures. Calls. A fat girl on the other line answers pretending it's her. She's like, hi, this is Dawn. Do you want me to come over? And he's like, yeah, I want you to come over. And it would be $150 to get the girl to come over.

12:50 Now, oftentimes, these dudes would think that they're having sex. But, obviously, in California, which is where it was at the time, sex is illegal. So, the way it was prefaced was I'm going to strip for you and you masturbate yourself. I'm serious, boys. This shit happens. And probably some of you listening have done this. So, you pick the picture of the girl. You call a number. Little do you know that every single picture of girls in the back of that magazine or newspaper goes to the same fucking number.

13:17 And you're going to get the stripper that you're going to get. Even if you order, like, a blonde or, like, a Mexican chick, you're going to get somebody completely different. In fact, so funny, one chick was this huge, fat, black chick that was ugly as all hell. I mean, I say mountain troll as a joke in this podcast. This chick straight up looked like a mountain troll. So, homeboy would pick, like, this super smoking hot blonde with fake tees and, like, just banging-ass body. And then this big fucking black chick shows up.

13:47 And she's knocking on your door. And you're like, go away. Go away, right? And this has literally happened. And she's like, I'm not going away until you give me the 150 bucks. And dudes would open the door and just slip the money out and be like, okay, go away now. And she would go away. So, this is some ghetto-ass shit. And I was a driver for this. I actually had a gun pulled on me. Probably a different podcast episode. Maybe if I have time today, I'll tell you the story.

14:10 But anyway, I drive these strippers. We go to the dude's house. She knocks. Fortunately, the stripper I worked with, who at the time I was dating, I'm not going into it. It was a fucking shit show. Talk about a dumpster fire. She would knock on the door. Homeboy would open it. He'd be like, well, you look a little bit different from the girl who I chose. But she was still pretty hot. So, he would have her come in. So, this one house we go to, it was like the typical suburbia, middle-class, white guy, typical house that you'd see, like in Irvine, California, or some suburb of whatever city, right?

14:45 It was very, very white man, middle-class, typical. Go right up to his house. She knocks. He lets her in. Then 10 minutes later, I get a text. She's like, hey, do you want to come in here? And I was like, come in to do what? And she's like, he wants to listen to us have sex. And I was like, I don't think I can get it up, dude. Like, some creepy guy listening to us. And she's like, no, dude, we're going to pretend. And I was like, really?

15:11 And she's like, yeah, and he's going to pay us a lot of money. And I was like, fuck it. So, we go in there, and he's like, hey, nice to meet you. And this dude, I shit you not, boys, was wearing women's stockings, women's high heels, and a fucking garter belt. And it's a guy who, over his fireplace, is pictures of his wife and two children. Like, the most white guy, fucking accountant from Irvine, California, you could ever imagine. With black lips, because he's snorting cocaine, and he's wearing a fucking garter belt.

15:41 And I was like, what the hell is going on? But I kept it cool. So, me and Dawn, was her name at the time, go into the back room, and we start pretending to have sex. Meanwhile, we're both kind of laying on his bed looking at magazines, and we're, like, kicking the bed going, oh, oh, right? And you hear this dude. I shit you not, boys. True story. You hear this guy outside the door going, oh, oh, oh. He's listening to us pretend to have sex.

16:08 It was the funniest shit ever. So, he has another chick come over, and we're all kind of, like, sitting in his living room, and he has these two chicks shave his balls. So, I'm sitting there, literally, guys, on this dude's couch, and on the mantle next to me is his beautiful wife and two children. And here he is laying on the fucking floor with his legs spread, and two strippers are shaving his fucking ball sack. And I'm like, yo, this is too much for me. So, I'm like, hey, guys, I feel like we're done here.

16:36 I'm going to go wait in the car. And they're like, okay, so they wrap up, and she comes back in the car with a blank check. And he basically told her, fill in the amount that you want the tip to be. Now, we were pieces of shit at the time. I feel like I gathered a lot of bad karma during this time. We used to rob people. I mean, I had a gun pulled on me. It was ghetto-ass shit. So, we call the bank, and I don't know if you guys remember this, but you could actually, like, check your balance or check somebody's balance on the phone.

17:05 I swear to God, this was, like, 2000, right, where she was mad ghetto. So, she calls the bank. She's like, how much does he have in there? Well, he had, like, five grand in there or something like that. So, us being the assholes we were, we fill in the check with, like, whatever, $4,500. I get convinced by this stripper, and this is so typical, boys. Girls will fuck you over, especially ghetto-ass ones. And guys will fuck over women, too. If you work with ghetto people, if you deal with ghetto people, you're getting fucked.

17:34 So, she's like, hey, can you go to the bank and cash that? I'm tired today, whatever. It was a long night, shaving balls and fucking pretending to have sex and doing cocaine off the back of this guy's toilet. Dumpster fire level shit. And I was like, yeah, okay, I'll go cash it. Well, apparently, his bank was off Crenshaw Boulevard. Like, dude, I'm not even making this up. This is so fucking ghetto. It was in Compton or right next to Compton. I forget the city. And so, I walk in, and it was actually Halloween day, I remember.

18:04 Because the guy who helped me, he had Banker written on his forehead, a funny play on It's Halloween, and he is a banker. So, I walk in, I give him the check, and he's, like, looking at it, and he's like, okay, we just need to get money from the vault. You can just go sit over there and wait. And so, like, 10 minutes goes by, 15 minutes goes by. The guy literally has my ID, and I'm like, dude, this is odd. So, I, like, walk up, and I'm like, hey, you know, what's taking so long?

18:30 He's like, ah, sorry, we're having problems. They played me like a fiddle. I was an idiot. I was literally 23 years old, and obviously, your brain doesn't finish developing until you're 25. I was an idiot. So, I go sit back down. Unbeknownst to me, the guy had actually called the bank and reported that check as stolen. Five cops come in from that door. Five cops come in from that door. I get arrested. And they're like, you're going to jail today. And I cried. I cried, boys. I hate to admit it.

18:59 I've done a lot of self-work since then. But I thought I was going to prison, man. I thought I was going to get fucked in the ass without a condom. And I was, like, crying. I was like, no, I don't want to go. And then I had a lowered Honda Civic at the time. And I was begging the police officers, please get a flatbed truck to tow this thing because you're going to mess up my ground effects on my 2000 Civic with racing heart rims on it.

19:22 What a douche canoe with the black spiky hair and, like, listening to techno all the time and driving strippers. I thought I was so cool. So they tow it. I'm in jail for 18 hours. My mom bails me out with the stripper, both of whom are crying. And my mom just looks at me and she's like, you need to do something different with your life, right? And I was like, yeah, you're probably right. And it was about that time that I went to Japan to go teach English.

19:49 And I was there for four years, had my panic attacks, agoraphobia. NLP saved my life. Then I became an NLP expert, was a copywriter for a while. Did a few other jobs. I was a Japanese translator and eventually became a dating coach for men. But, guys, prostitution, strippers, rub and tug joints, fucking ghetto. The quintessential definition of dumpster fire is what they are. So if you're in that life or you have to resort to it, bro, get game. And if you're not getting game with this podcast, I'm here to help you, man.

20:20 I have a three-month coaching program that turns guys who have to resort to paying for sex into girl magnets where they can get sex naturally and much better sex. I've never had sex with a prostitute, but I have had a rub and tug. And it was really dissatisfying. I was like, yo, I'm never doing that shit again. Getting high-quality girls on command, there's absolutely nothing like it. You guys hear me talk about it all the time. I don't have to tout the success of my three-month coaching program.

20:47 But every single guy who comes in my program gets the results he's after because I fucking care about my boys. And I care about you guys, too. So if anything, I hope today's podcast at least got a few laughs out of you boys. If, on the other hand, you actually want to apply, Liam, leave it at the top link. Guys, just click the three-month coaching program link below. Read all the testimonials. Look at all the videos. I can turn you into a girl magnet where you don't have to resort to paying for the shit because it does get expensive.

21:15 So, guys, I have an awesome one coming up on Thursday. It's going to be the five do's and don'ts for your dating profile pictures. I actually have the entire blueprint right here. And I'm going to give you, as I always do, more like 20 do's and don'ts for your dating profile pictures. You guys are going to want to hear this one. It's really important because if you're on the dating apps, your pictures are the single most important element to guarantee your success. At any rate, boys, I do appreciate you listening.

21:41 I drop podcasts on Mondays and Thursdays, so please stay tuned for the next one. And I will see you in the next episode. We'll see you next time.

This transcript was made automatically, so a few words may be off.