THIS is The #1 Type of Women Who Will Sabotage You, Degrade You, and Crush Your Confidence

0:00 Welcome to The Unapologetic Man Podcast, the only podcast that's all about self-improvement, confidence, success, women, and being a man without making any apologies for it. What is up, your champions? Thank you for tuning in to another episode of the UMP, the Uniform Mike Papa, The Unapologetic Man Podcast. I really do appreciate you guys tuning in. Today, we are going to talk about the number one red flag that most of you guys probably don't even know that women do and that make women sabotage your relationship, sabotage your confidence, and absolutely annihilate anything you wanted to have with this girl moving forward because she will actually do this to you and then lose attraction for you if you do it.

0:48 So I'm going to preface this by telling a story. The reason I'm telling this story is because I myself fell victim to this very thing because it's very intoxicating. It seems like it's going to make your relationship better. It seems like it's going to make her want you more and like you more, but it actually backfires every time you do it and it makes her lose attraction and respect for you at the same time. And this actually got me blown out. I was trying to give the chick what she wanted.

1:10 I was trying to give her what she was requesting, did what she asked of me, and then it got me blown out. Guys, attraction is so unbelievably counterintuitive that oftentimes what you think will work doesn't work and what you think won't work does work. This is why a lot of you guys have been blown out in the past. This is why I get a lot of hate mail on things like Instagram and into my inbox is because people who don't have experienced this, people who don't know what the fuck they're talking about, which honestly is the majority of men get butthurt about this.

1:45 They hyperextend their anal chakra and they lash out at coaches like me who just teach you what works. So if you've been rejected by a girl, if you've been put in pain by a woman, it could be because of this. It could be because of things that are tied into this. So I want you to stay tuned until the very end because this is an extremely important concept. So I was dating this absolute banger of a girl. She was Russian. She was super hot. She was successful.

2:08 She was smart. She was fucking 10, dude, like all the way across the board. I used to have people give me thumbs up when I would walk into restaurants with this chick. I used to have people pull me aside and be like, dude, how'd you pull that girl? Now, this has happened with many girls that I've dated and it's going to happen with many girls that you guys are going to date. But she was, for all intents and purposes, a dime piece, a perfect girl. People were pushing me to marry this chick and she was pushing me to marry her too.

2:39 But fortunately, I followed my intuition. I followed my gut because what I'm about to explain to you is a clue in into her psychology. And this is going to happen with many, many, many women that you date. In fact, I would say this is the number one red flag that you have to look out for. And it's so insidious because it seems like it's not a big deal. If I just do this thing for her, then she's going to like me more. But it actually backfires and I'm going to explain that today.

3:04 So I'm dating this girl and one day she comes up to me and she's like, you know, I love your black spiky hair. Because at that time, I had black spiky hair, kind of had the punk rock look going. I was really into hardcore music. I was a drummer in a straight edge punk rock band. And she's like, I really like your hair, but I really think it would look good with your natural color. And honestly, I think it would look good in this kind of hairstyle.

3:26 So she shows me a picture of this hairstyle and I refer back to it as the coif, the coif look. And it's actually the look that I have on my cover on the Unapologetic Man podcast. So you can look at it. It's kind of combed to the side. It's got a little bit of pomp to it, like a pompadour. And I always referred it to the coif jokingly. Well, at that time, I did like the way that haircut looks. She showed me some examples. At that time, Brad Pitt was rocking it.

3:50 Justin Timberlake looked really good with it. So I was like, you know what? I'll go ahead and do that. So I grew out my hair, changed it from black to my normal color, started rocking the coif and I really liked it. And so did she. So time's going on. Everything is fine. And then she's like, you know, I really think you'd look good in sweaters. And I was like, I don't know about that. I'm not really a sweater guy. And she's like, no, no, let's go to JCPenney.

4:13 Let's go to the mall, Neiman Marcus, and try on some sweaters and see if you like them. If you don't, that's fine. But let's just look at them. So I go and look at the sweaters. Next thing you know, I'm walking out of Neiman Marcus with a bag full of sweaters like a fucking idiot. And I'm like, these things are okay. I guess I look good in them. But they don't feel congruent with me. So I accept it, rock the sweaters. She's flossing me all over town, introducing me to her friends, introducing me to her parents.

4:38 This is Mark, the guy who I'm slowly changing. And obviously, you guys are starting to grasp what I'm putting down. So then we go into the Dockers talk. I really think you'd look good with some Dockers. You know, you have a nice butt. And these jeans that you wear don't really accentuate your legs, which is funny to me because I have the skinniest legs ever. But she convinces me to get the Dockers look, dude. So I go and buy the Dockers. Now I'm walking out of Neiman Marcus with a bag full of Dockers, once again, not feeling congruent.

5:05 Having been a drummer in a straight edge hardcore band to fucking sweater wearing, Docker wearing, coif flossing jackass. And the next thing she does is make me buy some boat shoes. So here I am rocking boat shoes, the fucking Dockers, the sweater, the coif. And I'm like, dude, I look like I'm about to go sail on a boat in Nantucket. I don't even like boats. Why am I rocking the boat look? Because this chick convinced me to rock the boat look because, and here's the number one red flag, gentlemen, women will make you into their little project.

5:37 When certain women meet guys, they look at them with potential rather than looking at them as they are. So us, quite unconsciously, we give them what they want, right? We think, well, if I wear the fucking boat shoes and the Dockers and the goddamn sweater, she's going to like me more. But gentlemen, I hope you know what I'm about to say. It makes you lose respect for you because it shows you don't have boundaries. So when a woman starts asking you to change who you are because you can deduce that you're her little project, brothers, please heed my advice.

6:12 Take it from your Uncle Mark saying who has been blown out more times than I can count on two hands because I tried to do this. Do not change who you are for a woman. Do not change your style. Do not change your likes. Do not change your friends. Do not change those things that are who you are just to try to make her like you more because here's the rub. It's going to make her like you less. It's going to make her lose attraction for you.

6:35 It's going to make her not have respect for you. She thinks if I can change him in that way, I wonder what else I can get away with. Do you think maybe I can change his friends? Let me try. Do you think maybe I can get him to talk to his mom less? Because I don't really like his mom. Let's try. Do you think it will get him to move to Chicago, which is what this chick tried to do to me? Let me try. So here I am in my freaking boat outfit going to Chicago and it's negative 7,000 degrees.

7:01 Constantly winter. It hasn't seen the sunshine in 15 years. And she's like, come on, we want to move here. I have a really great job opportunity here. Will you move here with me? Please, please, please. And I woke up and I was like, you know what? Fuck this shit. I am out like sauerkraut. I'm off like a prom dress because this chick doesn't accept me for who I am. She wants me to be her perfect ideal of what the man should be. And there she goes shooting all over herself.

7:29 And because I haven't shown her my boundaries, she's going to lose respect for me. So again, gentlemen, you are who you are. The way your style is, the way you rock your beard, for example, the sports that you like, the friends that you have, the relationship with your mom, where you want to live, everything about you, you need to be congruent with that. And don't change it for a woman if she's trying to change you. Now, I know a lot of you guys are thick headed.

7:54 So oftentimes you take what I say as gospel and you adhere to it with absolutely no exceptions. So here's the caveat that I want to introduce to you. Obviously, if you're doing something that's detrimental to your health, detrimental to her health, detrimental to your happiness or other people's happiness, if you're causing suffering for you, her and other people, and she suggests you change, then obviously, boys, you take that under consideration if it's going to make you a better person. For example, if you're an alcoholic and you refuse to admit it, oftentimes guys who are in that situation will be like, well, Mark Singh told me not to change anything for any woman whatsoever.

8:31 So no, screw you. I'm going to keep drinking the way I'm drinking. My parameters for this is this. If it creates suffering both for yourself and for other people, and she's trying to get you to better yourself, then be open to it. If on the other hand, it's just your style, it's just your opinion, it's just what you like to do, then don't change shit for her. I have this rule that I live by. If it creates peace and happiness for both myself and other people, then it's right.

8:57 And when I say right, I use air quotes because ultimately, in the ultimate reality of all things, there is no right and wrong. And I can argue that with you all day long. Some of you guys will agree with me. Some won't. Please don't write me on it. It's my belief. But I believe there is no right or wrong. Thinking makes it so. But what I do believe is that there's actions that create peace and there's actions that create suffering. So if she's trying to change you from a guy who's creating suffering, both for yourself and for others, then okay, you're open to it.

9:26 But, and here's the operative word, it's under your frame. I will change that because I have realized that it's better for me to, for example, stop drinking, not because you have threatened me by withholding your sex, for example, and that's the reason I'm going to do it. Girls will do this, boys, because remember, attraction is not a choice. Attraction triggers and even love triggers work on the completely unconscious level. The conscious level is a completely different channel. So if she consciously thinks, I want to change this guy and I'm going to be happier because of it, she's wrong.

10:01 Because if she changes you, she's going to lose attraction on the unconscious level. So when you stick to your guns and perhaps do what I should have done, which is like, yo, I'm not wearing the boat shoes. I'm not wearing the sweaters. The Dockers, they're just not me. My haircut at the time, I don't want to change it. And if you don't like it, there's the door. That's showing her that you have a strong frame. That's showing her that you have boundaries around those things that are subjective.

10:25 Those things that you simply like or those things that you do because they bring you joy and they're who you are. Now, consciously, you may think, well, if I don't change my haircut, if I don't start wearing the sweaters and the Dockers and the boat shoes, she's going to lose attraction for me. She's not. She's actually going to get more attracted to you because you've stuck to your guns. We've all heard of the dude who's pussy whipped. And perhaps we've been in the situation where our friend is with this girl and his girl's like, no, I don't want you going out to that bar anymore.

10:54 And he's like, okay. And then all his friends in the background are like, whoops, whoops, right? Like you're pussy whipped, bro. The reason we as men intrinsically understand this pussy whipped concept is because we know it's the frame of a weak man, a man who doesn't stand up for his boundaries for who he is and who doesn't say, if you don't like it, there's the door. So say, for example, you're dating a girl and she really doesn't like your best friend, but your best friend isn't doing anything wrong.

11:22 She's probably just peanut butter and jealous of the guy. You have a good relationship with him. He mostly creates peace in your life and happiness. There's nothing intrinsically bad about the guy. Like maybe he smokes weed or he does some things that aren't perfect in her eyes, but you deduce through logic that she's being unreasonable and she's just trying to control you. Brothers, you have to put up the boundary and say, sorry, he's my best friend. I'm going to continue hanging out with him. Say, for example, Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday nights.

11:50 If you don't like it and that's a deal breaker for you, I understand. And this is a concept that I call the drop rule. The drop rule states, I will drop you without a moment's hesitation. We're willing to drop her because that shows her that we're not going to change who we are to accommodate what she wants, being it that we're not creating suffering either for ourselves or for her. If we're just living our lives innocuously, we have a good friend who we'd like to hang out with.

12:16 Maybe we like to smoke weed once in a while and it's not killing anybody and she's diehard against it, then be like, hey, this is who I am. I'm sticking with my frame. If you don't like it, I understand. It's probably a deal breaker for you. So there's the door. And that's the parameter that we set up. I am who I am. If you don't like it, kick rocks with your head down. Now, again, you guys really have to be discerning here. Is her request selfish on her part and she's just trying to get you to change to be this avatar of what she's built up in her head about how her man should be since she was five years old or is she honestly trying to improve you?

12:53 You need to discern that and say to yourself, you know what? Me going out and doing drugs every Friday night with that best friend who himself is a fucking meth head and a drug addict probably isn't the best thing. So maybe I'll heed Kelly's advice and on my own frame, make the decision to stop doing that. When you better yourself, those people who create suffering in your life automatically fall away, including women, by the way. So the next time you get a girl who from the first date's like, why do you have your hair like that?

13:23 Or would you be open to wearing these kinds of clothes? Or how about you change your job to do this, which is more in line with what her and perhaps her mom want you to do, you say, no, I'm not willing to do that. And ironically, that usually makes her more attracted to you and more apt to stay with you, as crazy as that sounds. Had I told that chick, no, I'm not changing my hair, I'm not wearing the sweaters, the dockers and the freaking boat shoes, she would have been more attracted to me and I wouldn't have lost her respect and attraction in the process.

13:53 Had I instead done what I did, which was to change everything and then go move to Chicago with her and get into her little reality in her house with the dog who I don't even want, the freaking picket fence I don't want, living in an area I have no interest in, she would have lost so much respect for me, she would have eventually either cheated on me or divorced me. And this is the way it works, gentlemen. We all know a dude who is pussy whipped, whose wife or girlfriend wears the pants in the relationship.

14:21 Do you think that guy's getting sex? Do you think when dude walks in the door, her vagina gets wet because she wants to have sex with him? Hell no. And you know that intrinsically. You just know it as a man, yet we still do it because rationally we think, if I give this chick everything she wants from me, including changing who I am, she's gonna like me more because I'm changing into what she wants more. No, no, no, no. She wants you to have a strong frame, boundaries, lead her.

14:49 So that dude who's pussy whipped, that dude who has a wife who's wearing the pants, he does not get laid and I can guarantee you, it's only a matter of time before she leaves him or cheats on him. So guys, from this point forward, you need to discern what is a deal breaker for you and what, if a woman suggests you change it, is acceptable to you under your frame. If again, you're a smoker or something like that and she's like, hey, you know, when I kiss you, it's kind of like kissing an ashtray, your clothes smell all the time, it's even gotten into your skin, how would you feel about trying to quit?

15:22 You would be wise, if you're open to that, to say, you know what, I actually have been thinking about quitting. I've given it a solid try a few times, but I think I am going to go ahead and try again. Not necessarily because you're pushing me to do so, although of course, I like that you're helping me recognize the unhealthy habit that I have, but because I think it's time, I think I'm ready to do it and then you quit. So that's the discernment, boys. Does it create suffering for yourself, for her and for other people or does it not create suffering and it in fact creates peace for yourself, possibly her and even other people?

15:56 That's the parameter that you have to go by and you make all your decisions based on that. But the biggest red flag are chicks who try to make guys into their little pet project. Do not be that dude. From the second she tries to do it to you, you need to put the kibosh on it. You need to say, sorry, this is the way I am. If you don't like it and clearly it seems like you don't, I think we should probably part ways. And just saying that, I'm willing to drop your ass without a moment's hesitation will make her more attracted to you.

16:24 We'll have her drop any preconceived notion of you being her pet project and she'll forget about it completely and continue on in the relationship. Now, my final thought here as we get to about 18 minutes in is you should settle down with a girl who you are almost completely compatible with without having to force it. And what I mean by that is she shouldn't have to settle down for a dude who does have the black spiky hair, does dress like a straight edge hardcore drummer where she wants boat dock dude.

16:53 If she wants boat dock dude, she would be wise to go get boat dock dude because I ain't him. I freaking hate sailboats. I used to be forced to sail from Dana Point to Catalina Island an eight hour journey with my stepdad who refused to put on the engine. Even if there was like less than one knot of wind, I would be forced to sail across the sea just to get to Catalina Island with my family so I could go scuba diving. And so I absolutely detest sailboats.

17:21 And if you're a sailor or you're an ocean guy, hey, I respect it. My stepdad's super into it. I like that he's into it. But since I've had such bad experiences, it ain't for me. So if I meet a chick who's like, I want a yacht dude to go live with me on a boat and go sail the world, I'd be like, that's not fucking me, young lady, because of what my stepdad Ed did to me all growing up through my teenage years. So you need to know who you are, what you'll accept and won't accept.

17:47 But honestly, you should just meet a girl who's just like, I accept this guy. I like him how he is. Even if you do smoke pot, smoke cigarettes, drink a lot, maybe you want a girl that does that same thing. But the second she starts trying to change you into something that is largely subjective, that's where you have to put your boundaries down and tell her, nope, I'm staying this way. And if you don't like it, there's the door. Gentlemen, I hope you got something from this episode.

18:12 As a reminder, I draw podcasts on Mondays and Thursdays, so please stay tuned for the next one and I will see you in the next episode. So, I'll see you in the next episode.

This transcript was made automatically, so a few words may be off.