How to Ask a Woman if She's Clean And STD Free Before Sex (Funny)

0:00 I'm going to give you some tips on what to do, how to be prepared, how to bring it up with her, and get her to tell you whether or not she's clean. Because I'll tell you what, boys, I have been told by a girl once that she was clean, no problems, and I stuck my dick in her, and I literally got genital warts. Welcome to the Unapologetic Man Podcast, the only podcast that's all about self-improvement, confidence, success, women, and being a man without making any apologies for it.

0:30 What is up, gentlemen? Thank you for tuning in to another episode of the UMP. I super appreciate you. And today, boys, we are going to talk about STDs. That's right, sexually transmitted diseases, not super titty dancing. This is STDs. This is a serious topic. You should never, under any circumstance, let the horse out of the stable without a saddle. That means that you should wear a willy every single time you have sex. And if you're one of those dudes that has an old condom from 2010 in your wallet that already has holes in it, we need to rethink your game.

1:11 I'm going to give you some tips on what to do, how to be prepared, how to bring it up with her, and get her to tell you whether or not she's clean. Because I'll tell you what, boys, as embarrassing as this is, I have woken up with willy lump lump. I have had my piss burn like the fires of hell itself because I was an absolute idiot, and I had sex with girls without a condom on. Thank God I am HIV-free. I don't have anything serious like herpes or syphilis or anything really big.

1:41 I made it through those trenches relatively unscathed. But I don't want you to get decimated by these STDs, as has happened to so many guys I know, so many guys that have come into my program. So we're going to go over all of that today. Gentlemen, if you haven't yet checked out my perks program, where I give you a bunch of free training that's worth hundreds, if not thousands of dollars, click the link in the description below. It's the top link, and go visit that page.

2:09 I'm basically giving you a bunch of free training in order to tell your friends about it, in order to post it on Facebook, to post it on Reddit, to text people. So look at that perks program when you get a chance. Also, gentlemen, I want to get this over with and tell you right now, on Monday, I have an absolutely gigantic announcement that you're not going to miss. I'm going to give you a little hint. This thing that I'm going to do is going to sell out in milliseconds.

2:33 So it would behoove you to show up on Monday, listen to that podcast episode, because I'm going to talk about everything in that episode, what this opportunity is for you, and what you're going to get with this awesome offer that I'm going to roll out. That, again, is going to sell out really quickly. So you should be Johnny on the spot. Listen on Monday. I have a gigantic announcement. All right, boys, we have a lot to get through today, so let's jump into the content. So first of all, as I said at the top of the show, do not let the horse out of the stable without a saddle.

3:03 Do not stick your dick into a girl you don't know very well, unless you have confirmed that she's A, on birth control, and B, does not have any sexually transmitted diseases. I have been told by a girl once that she was clean, no problems, and I stuck my dick in her, and I literally got genital warts. Do you know what it's like to have genital warts? Well, I'm going to tell you, you have to go to the doctor, and he has to burn them off. So here you are at the doctor, where he's got your penis in his hand, holding it by the head, and he's literally burning warts off your dick, because you're a goddamn slut, just like I was.

3:41 I was such an idiot. And guys, I understand. You're in the heat of the moment. The last thing you want to do is be like, do you have a condom? Or wait, let me get my condom from 2010 that's in my wallet. And that's basically slime at this point. You pull it out, and it just like slimes in your hand. Let me go grab that before we have sex, because we want to be safe. And there you are running out of her room with your boner, bobbing up and down like a goddamn idiot looking for a condom because you weren't prepared.

4:09 So here's what we do, boys. First of all, get the bulk pack of condoms at Costco, which is what I always tell all my clients when they join my program, because you're going to need them. Once you come into my three-month coaching program, or perhaps you're getting some results with this podcast, you're going to be getting laid all the time, dude. So you need to have that bulk pack of condoms. For you, of course, I recommend extra small and have that shit stashed in your house.

4:33 You want to take some of them and put them perhaps in your glove box or somewhere in your car where a girl won't obviously find them. Or you're driving with your mom and she fucking opens your glove box to try to get a tissue and a bunch of condoms fall on her lap. She's going to get all pissed off. So be smart, be proactive, have condoms on you. Every time I would go on a date and I knew I was going to get laid, I would just have one in my pocket and maybe an extra one for backup.

4:57 All right. But before you get laid with her, ideally speaking, you want to talk to her about sexually transmitted diseases. I know, boys, this is a very uncomfortable conversation. But this is the best way I came up with to do it. And I would always do it when I knew sex was coming. I mean, we know, right? Very rarely does it just pop up out of the blue. I mean, unless you're going for one night stands, which is part of the reason I don't do one night stands is because when I got chlamydia, when I got genital warts, I was like, yo, I'm a little bit too crazy out there.

5:31 I want to back it off a little bit. So what I would always do is I would date them a couple of times, see if I actually like them, get a feel for them first before I would take it all the way on the home run, and then I'll talk to them about it. And this is usually what I'd say during a light moment. And this is really important. You don't want to do it like right before you're going to have sex, but you want to do it when you guys are kind of flirting.

5:52 So you've obviously made out already. Maybe she's gone down on you. You've gone down on her, or perhaps at the very least, you sucked on her titties. She like slapped the karate chop in between your legs and rubbed your dick. So during a moment like that, you'd say something akin to, so Kelly, what does your doctor say about your heart being healthy enough for sex? And she's like, what are you talking about? You'd be like, well, I was at my doctor the other day and he's like, Mark, your heart is not healthy enough for sex.

6:20 And then I was like, dude, I thought you said I was a beast. He's like, I didn't say you were a beast. I said you were obese. And then her and I will laugh a little bit. And then I'll be like, nah, real talk. Like I got checked the other day. I'm totally clean. It's really important to me to be clean. Have you gotten checked recently? Or like, what's your status on that? So what I always do is I tell her first that I'm clean and you could start it with that joke.

6:44 I mean, you really don't need to, but I like to be funny. I like to crack them up. And honestly, in a serious conversation like that, it's kind of good to start it on a light hearted note. So I'll say, hey, my doctor told me my heart isn't healthy enough for sex, but I'm willing to risk dying for you, Kelly. We can go ahead and have sex. So it's something like that. I also have sometimes said the doctor was looking at me and he's like, dude, I told you to exercise.

7:08 And I was like, I thought you said extra fries. I didn't know you were telling me to exercise. So I always joke about that. Of course, I'm joking. I'm not obese. So I can make that joke. But I really like that gag. It's like the doctor said you were a beast, but he actually said you were obese. And you can talk about it in that way. Lighten it up a little bit. Tell her your result first. Now, a lot of you guys know that getting sexually tested is pretty expensive.

7:34 You can get tests at Walmart, CVS. You can get them these days at McDonald's and Del Taco for like 69 bucks. Of course, I'm joking about McDonald's and Del Taco, but you can go right into Walgreens, CVS, Walmart. They have them for, I believe, about 70 bucks. The good ones are more like 129 bucks, which I know if you're like banging a lot of girls, that gets really expensive. But that was my thing, man. When I was banging a lot of girls, I had insurance at the time and my doctor knew I was doing it.

8:03 Him and I were cool and I was like, yo, I'm getting out there. I'm stacking chips. I'm getting fucking late, bro. Like I'm getting late all the time. What can we do? So he set me up on a program where I could come in weekly and get sexually tested. I just did it with pee and then every six months we would do blood. Pee, if I remember correctly, tests gonorrhea, chlamydia, and a few others. Blood is required for HIV as well as syphilis. And then herpes is something, of course, that comes out in waves.

8:32 You'll get like bumps the way people do on their lips. Did you guys know that when people have a cold sore on their lip, that's actually herpes? And 80% of society has herpes in their mouth. So if you're about to get the sick duck and if you don't know what sick duck is, just switch the S and the D and you'll know what I'm talking about. If you're about to get the sick duck and you look on her lip and there's a giant ass cold sore on it, do not get that sick duck, bro.

8:55 I know you're so horny you'd fuck a snake if you could hold it straight. But control yourself, brother. Keep that red-helmeted warrior in your pants and keep him ready to fight another battle another day. So on that note, you also kind of want to analyze her, right? Does she have cold sores on her lips? Is she known to be kind of slutty? And I hate to bash on women with their reputation. I kind of think it's fine for women to sleep around if they want to.

9:22 Do I want to marry a girl that slept with the whole football team? No, but if a girl wants to do that, I'm not judging her. I have friends that do that. But at the same time, am I going to fuck them, especially without a condom? Hell to the no, dog. Like I wouldn't touch them with the 10-foot pole because I know their reputation. And dude, some of these sexually transmitted diseases are brutal, especially, of course, HIV and things like syphilis. HPV, which you guys probably didn't know, can actually come out in cancer.

9:49 It could actually cause cancer, which is what happened to my stepdad because he's a fucking champion and he got it in in college, dude. But all jokes aside, you got to be careful, man. And that's part of the reason I decided not to be a slut anymore because I was sleeping around. Yeah, I'd always wear a condom, but what if the condom slipped off or some of her herpes got on me? And dude, I'm sure I've been with chicks with STDs that I didn't catch. That's a risk that I'm no longer willing to take.

10:15 So you always bring it up first. You always make sure you're clean. And once again, if you go to your doctor, if you have insurance, it should cover it. But even for those of you who don't have insurance, if you don't make a lot of money, you can go to places like Planned Parenthood and other types of doctor's offices that will accommodate for your lack of money. But in my case, when I was sleeping around, I would literally get tested all the time because, dude, I was dating all the time.

10:41 It's all I did. I don't know if I told you guys, but when I lived in Arizona, I got an inheritance from my grandmother that allowed me to live for about a year. So I quit my job and what did I do full time? I gamed, which ironically, I felt like a total loser and everybody told me I was a loser for doing that at the time. But now look what it's turned into, right? So that was actually an investment into myself. Although at the time, the only thing I was investing in was my red helmeted warrior because I wanted to get laid.

11:09 So you always have condoms on you. Get yourself the Mark Singh condom dispensing belt buckle. Real talk, just have condoms on your person. Have them in your car. Add a place where your grandma won't find them and then bring them in with you when you have sex. Always break out the condom. And like I said, sometimes it's uncomfortable. You guys are in the heat of the moment. Like her legs are spread and you're hovering above her and your dick is hard. And you're like, oh, wait a second.

11:33 But just be smart about it. Have it near you. Stick it in her pillow. You know, when she's like in the bathroom getting ready or whatever, you know what's going to happen. She knows what's going to happen. Dude, I had sex with this girl once. Oh my God. She had a fucking bucket next to her bed full of condoms. And I'm laying there about to have sex with her and she goes in the bathroom and I'm like, dude, is that seriously a bucket right there full of condoms?

11:59 How big of a slut is this chick? And I'm like, dude, what are the chances this chick has STDs? I mean, it's great she's using condoms, but a bucket? How many guys is she fucking? So I fucked her. It was awesome. And nothing happened to me, fortunately. But you got to be smart. You got to make these decisions. You got to be pragmatic and disciplined because you will get willy lump lump and it could literally ruin your life. What if you got AIDS, bro? AIDS is still out there, man.

12:25 I mean, I know the chances with just having vaginal sex isn't very high, but dude, I don't want to get anything. And I mean, I have HPV. I might get genital warts again. I don't think I have herpes. I've had chlamydia so many times, dude. Shit burns like the fires of hell and it's not worth it. So strap up, tell her that you first had the STD test. I got tested last week because I knew we were getting intimate and I just want to know like what your status is.

12:54 And look at this from her perspective. She's like, oh, he's really responsible. He cares about STDs, which means he's going to be safe. He's going to be responsible. He's not going to just try to put it in my butt until both of us are bleeding and exchanging HIV. I know that's gross, but that's what happens. So you can knuckle dunk it without a condom. But the second the mushroom tip comes out, don't let the horse out of the stable without a saddle, gentlemen. Another thing I did for a while too, when I had all that money is I had at home tests.

13:23 And what I would say is, hey, I bought this test and actually came with an extra one. If you haven't been tested, you could go ahead and get tested right now. And what's funny is I was watching a video about Dan Bilzerian and he had these things like stacked up on his table, dude, like 20 layers high of this STD test. And I was like, dude, that's the one I used to use. And I would have girls test themselves. The results will come back in minutes rather than hours.

13:47 And we would do that, you know, before we were going to actually have sex. But again, man, the best way I found it is constantly go get checked, especially if you're very sexually active. Now, I was going nuts, dude. I was having sex probably with five different girls a week. I'm serious, dude. I was going fucking crazy. But if you're just a regular dude, you know, once a month or a couple times a year, depending on how sexually active you are, have that test confirmed that you're clean and then tell her you have that either using the joke I told you to use or just coming straight out with it during a time when you guys aren't actively involved in hooking up, when you're kind of maybe talking sexually, you guys are just having fun and ask her if she too has been tested for STDs.

14:28 And if she's lying, what you should do is you should go to my perks program, tell, I think, three friends about my podcast, and I will send you the book, you know, she's lying, right? Where you could tell if a girl is lying to you. But dude, we can tell, man, if she avoids eye contact or like tries to change the subject, you could be like, okay, this chick probably has something going on and best not to have sex with her. But usually they'll be thankful that you're being pragmatic, you're being mature and bringing it up first, and then she'll let you know what her status is.

14:58 And then you guys can fuck like monkeys in the forest. But I'm telling you, man, do not have sex without a condom unless you're in a relationship. And also be careful for getting girls pregnant. I have had probably about six scares where we thought the girl was pregnant. And I'm telling you, it is a horrible, horrible several days or a couple of weeks while you're waiting because you're like, dude, this is going to completely change my life. So we have to think pragmatically. We have to be smart.

15:25 Don't let a girl with STDs ruin your life or a psychotic girl ruin your life. Check this out, boys. One of my good friends in Hawaii, he was born because his mom was having sex with a guy that she was in love with. He wasn't in love with her. He was just banging it out. So what she did is she brought the condom and she poked holes in it. Swear to God, true story. She told me herself. He had sex with her, came. Her little plan worked where she got pregnant.

15:52 And that's where my friend came from. I mean, thank God my friend's here. He's a great dude. But God bless, dude. When a girl falls in love with you, especially, they will do some psychotic shit. And I'm not saying girls are the only psycho ones. I know there's a lot of psycho guys out there who, when you listen to me right now, you're like, dude, I'm not going to wear a condom. It feels like shit. I know it doesn't feel as good, which is part of the reason I enjoy being in a relationship because I get to raw dog it anytime I want.

16:16 But you guys, you have to defend your health. You have to be careful. So ask that woman if she's STD free. And if she is, your Uncle Mark Singh gives you permission to go ahead and go to Bone Town. All right, boys, I'm wrapping this up. Before you go, click the Perks Program link right now. Watch the video that I have on there. It explains the whole thing. I'm going to send you so much cool shit if you just help me out by spreading the word about my podcast.

16:38 Also, boys, on Monday, I have a gigantic, stupendous, blow a hole in your mind so big that even you could fuck it kind of announcement. So come back on Monday because I know for a fact, if you're listening to this podcast, I know for a fact you're going to definitely want to hear what I'm about to tell you. And you're going to want to get in on this because this is a once in a lifetime opportunity. And I mean that sincerely. I draw a podcast on Mondays and Thursdays, and I will see you in the next episode.

17:07 I'll see you in the next episode.

This transcript was made automatically, so a few words may be off.