Does The Fear of Rejection & Approach Anxiety Ever Go Away?

0:00 When you approach a woman who you're attracted to, your adrenaline is through the roof, and your fine motor skills, including being able to banter and think on your feet, go down. If, on the other hand, you're warmed up, your dopamine is going up, you're getting what I call warmed up, and you're able to think on your feet. Welcome to the Unapologetic Man Podcast, the only podcast that's all about self-improvement, confidence, success, women, and being a man without making any apologies for it. What's up, guys? Thank you for tuning in to another episode of the UMP.

0:39 I really do appreciate you. And today, boys, we are going to talk about approach anxiety and the fear of rejection. I have a lot of interesting things to say about this, so make sure to stay tuned until the end because I'm going to tell you, does the fear of rejection ever truly go away? And I think you'll be surprised by what I say, and I think you're going to get a lot of insights into this because I'm going to give you methods to use to virtually eliminate approach anxiety completely.

1:05 We have a lot to get into, so let's jump into the content. So first of all, gentlemen, if you're afraid of rejection, I want to let you know you're human. You're a man. It's pretty damn natural. Okay? I get guys who come into my program all the time. They tell me over and over again just how afraid they are of rejection. So a little bit of fear of rejection is normal because we come from tribal communities, and if you approached and were rejected by the wrong woman, it could have meant your survival.

1:32 That woman could have been the woman of the chief, the woman of the head warrior, and if you approached her specifically in a sexual way, she rejected you, then she told everybody about you, then you could be ostracized from the tribe and you could literally die. Or you could get hit over the head with the rock and lose your life, so it's really natural for us to have this fear. Some of us, however, have too much fear. So my first question for you is this. If you were to judge your approach anxiety on a scale of 1 to 10, what would you give it?

2:02 I'm here to tell you if it's anything over about a 6 or a 7, you have some issues up here inside your head. Your internal belief systems are reliant upon women and what they think of you to tell you what you should think of yourself. Now, I struggled with this myself in my 20s. I was what we call externally validated in NLP. Externally validated means I cared a lot what other people thought of me, and I essentially judged myself based on how other people judged me. It was an insecurity, and it was derived of belief systems because my dad, my mom, they were the same way.

2:41 We inadvertently take on the belief systems of our parents, our siblings, our relatives, our coaches, our friends, and then I became externally validated. So when I would look at a girl and want to go approach her, it would kind of be like one foot on the gas pedal and one foot on the brake. And I know a lot of you guys feel the same way. You feel like, I want to talk to that girl. I want to get to know her. I want to get her phone number and possibly date her, but I don't want to get rejected.

3:06 So you have these two opposing forces working against each other, and oftentimes it's extremely fucking difficult to approach these chicks. And I know a lot of you guys agree with this because you have the same experience. You see a hot girl. You even might know what to say. You feel good. You're confident in yourself to some level. But because you're so externally validated, relying on what she thinks of you, you fail to approach her. She walks away. You think about her for the next two hours, two days, or two weeks, kicking yourself and masturbating in the corner in a puddle of your own tears.

3:38 This again is pretty normal for men, but when that anxiety gets to about a six or a seven and definitely eight, nine, or 10, there's an internal issue here. It's because you don't believe that you're enough. You don't believe that you're attractive. You don't believe that what I think of myself is the only thing that matters. And if she doesn't like it, she can piss off. She could kick rocks with her head down. It doesn't mean a thing to me because what I think of myself is the only thing that matters.

4:05 Now, let me ask you a question. Do you think a dude who's internally validated, who only cares about his own opinion of himself, will take the outside feedback of others, but generally speaking, his own opinion is the most opinion to him. Do you think that's masculine or feminine? You're damn right, brother. It's masculine. So to flip that, if you're highly reliant on what other people think of you, do you think that's masculine or feminine? You're a smart motherfucker. It's feminine. So not to piss in your river, bro.

4:34 But if you have a six, seven, eight, nine, or 10 approach anxiety, you're a little bit too much in your feminine energy. You're basing too much importance on what other people think of you. And it's all because of internal belief systems. It's because maybe your dad was too reliant on what other people thought of him. Maybe your mom really cared to what people thought of her. And you took that on because you wanted to get into rapport with her. Women are naturally very externally validated. This is why they do their hair.

5:02 They wear makeup. They get dressed up. They want to look cute because they want men to become attracted to them so they can feel good about themselves. This is very normal for a woman and it's okay. But if you're a man in the same kind of complex, that's not okay. This, by the way, gentlemen, then listen to this. This is really interesting. Is why oftentimes very physically attractive men become externally validated because their whole lives they're being told, you're so handsome, you're so attractive. Girls sweat them a lot so they start to become reliant upon that and then they become externally validated, thus affecting their self-esteem.

5:38 So obviously you guys know, you've heard me talk about it a million times. I have NLP in my program where we remove those belief systems that what other people think of me is really important. I can tell you with utmost conviction that 95% of my clients need to have that very belief system removed when they come into this program. What people think of me is very important. That is one of the biggest ones that we remove among a myriad of others. And then we replace it with the only opinion that matters is my own.

6:07 And we can literally remove the insidious belief systems like a splinter from your brain and install new belief systems. What would your life be like if you just thought differently? Well, I'll tell you, you would not have much approach anxiety because you wouldn't give a fuck what they think of you. The only opinion that matters to you is your opinion of yourself. And say, for example, you go up to a girl and you get rejected. Your thinking is like this. Hey, at least I had the balls to approach her.

6:35 At least I had the wherewithal to go up to her. And if she didn't like me, it's her loss. That's the way attractive men think. That's the way you should think when you're heavily in your masculine energy. And honestly, brother, it's the way you should think if you're healthy. So now you guys may be wondering, well, what about you, Mark? You're saying, you've probably approached over 10,000 women. You've been in this game for two decades. Do you still get approach anxiety? My answer to that, and I'm always honest with you guys, is yes.

7:03 Sometimes I do. However, there's a caveat to that because sometimes I don't. And over the years, the approach anxiety, even my peak approach anxiety is like at a three out of 10. And I'm going to tell you where it's at a zero out of 10 and where it's at a three out of 10 because that's based on circumstances. And it's not the circumstances of how hot she is. It's different circumstances. So stay tuned to really demonstrate this example. I want to tell you guys what I do when I walk into say Starbucks, a supermarket, a gym, and I see a fricking stunner.

7:36 I see a girl who's so hot that she literally causes car accidents because of her hotness. Have you guys ever seen this where a really hot girl is walking down the street and a lot of dudes are like rubbernecking her, checking her out, and they fucking get into car crashes? Really hot girls cause this stuff. That's what I'm talking about when you see one of those girls in the supermarket, for example. So do you think I, Mark Singh, go immediately up to her and approach her?

8:01 I asked this question last night on my coaching call, and about half the guys said yes, about half the guys said no. And I said to them, well, it kind of depends. But if I'm already warmed up, and being warmed up is a huge, huge thing when it comes to approach anxiety, I'll go approach her. Say, for example, I just came from the nightclub. I just came from socializing with my friends. I just came from a date, and I'm warmed up already. Yeah, I'll go approach her.

8:25 No big deal. And again, boys, if she doesn't like me, if she rejects me, her loss, I'm the prize. I'm internally validated, and I always reward myself on the effort, not the result. Really consider that. When you approach a girl, I can almost guarantee you, for a lot of you guys, you reward yourself only if you get a phone number. Why would you do that? That's completely out of your control. What you should reward yourself on is the effort and the balls it took to approach her.

8:53 That's the only thing that matters. Her response doesn't matter. Her laughter doesn't matter. Her participation doesn't matter. Her giving you her phone number does not matter, bro. Nintendo, the only thing that matters is you had the balls to approach her, Theodore Brosevelt. So have that be the basis of your self-esteem. Have that be the basis of you being internally validated. So if there's a stunner there, and I'm already warmed up, bam, I'm going in immediately. Now, if I'm not warmed up, what do you think I do?

9:20 I walk into a supermarket. I'm not warmed up. I'm cold. I just woke up. I just got done with some work where I was on the computer the whole day. I just got done working out. I haven't talked to anybody in literally five hours. What do you think I do? You're a smart motherfucker. Once again, I go open to other people. So she's over here on the right. I'm going left. And I'm opening up canyon mules, sea donkeys, and mountain trolls, people who don't matter, including dudes and even children, just talking, just getting myself warmed up.

9:49 Because here's how it works. The more you get into the flow, the higher your dopamine goes up, and the more you can think on your feet, the reason a lot of you guys go into what I call screensaver mode when you're talking to a hot girl is because you have low dopamine and you have really high adrenaline. Your heart is beating fast. You're super afraid of getting rejected. So you can't think on your feet. You're in fight or flight mode. This is why in military training, SWAT training, police training, they focus on gross movements.

10:19 You're not going to be able to take out your Sig Sauer P226, load it, cock it, turn off to safety and freaking blast somebody when you're shaking like a leaf. So it's very gross motor movements and training it over and over again. It's the same thing with women. When you approach a woman who you're attracted to, your adrenaline is through the roof and your fine motor skills, including being able to banter and think on your feet, go down. If on the other hand, you're warmed up because you didn't go right towards the hot girl, but you went left towards all the other girls that don't matter and you opened all them, your adrenaline is going down slowly, but surely your dopamine is going up.

10:57 You're getting what I call warmed up and you're able to think on your feet. So if you're warmed up, you can have zero and I'm talking bagel approach anxiety. And that happens to me all the time when I'm in the nightclub and I'm shooting the shit and I'm really killing it and I'm getting tons of dopamine, I could just flow like no tomorrow. It happens to me sometimes on this podcast too. When I have those rare instances where I'm throwing out like a lot of funny shit, it's because my dopamine is up and I can just think on my feet.

11:26 When I'm in the coaching calls, for example, it takes me about five minutes to warm up, but all my clients say like, dude, how do you think of this shit? How do you always have answers to our questions? How do you include everybody and make us all feel like tens out of tens? It's because my dopamine is up. I like to be in social situations. I like to be the center of attention and I'm not going to lie to you guys. I thrive on having attention on me.

11:49 I thrive on trying to get through uncomfortable social situations. I thrive on trying to make a girl feel good. And if she gets attracted to me, fine. If she doesn't, that's fine too. But I thrive on that challenge and I'm not giving a shit what she thinks. Because I'm proud of myself for approaching her, as I keep saying. So you get warmed up, you get your dopamine up, then you could go approach that hot girl with, yes, zero approach anxiety. So that's the secret. Now there's another secret that the more you do this, the more girls you essentially get under your belt as far as approaching is concerned.

12:26 Generally speaking, the more your approach anxiety goes down. So even when I'm totally cold, as I was when I approached a hot girl in the nightclub last week, I just walked in. There she was. I just went up to her. I'd say my approach anxiety was like at a three. My heart was beating a little bit. I was a little bit nervous. But for the most part, I could banter. I was a little bit cold. I wasn't like on it the way I usually am. But I was able to throw out some shit.

12:50 Plus, it's like when you've been in so many conversations with girls, you start to predict what they're going to say. You know what stories to tell. You know how to do all the gambits. So a lot of times you can just rely on your training, kind of like that SWAT dude who's in this high adrenaline situation and he just pulls out his gun and shoots because he's trained it so many times. So I would say my approach anxiety at the most, three, maybe four. One time, and I'll tell you guys this.

13:15 It was the hardest approach I ever did. Three solid 10s sitting in a quiet restaurant at a table together, freaking platinum blondes, totally my type, like straight hair, bangs, fake tits, like super hot eyes, just like so unbelievably banging. Three of them in a quiet restaurant where everybody could hear everything, right? And there's like tables close together. These three hot chicks are in the corner. And I was with my buddy at this restaurant. We were celebrating something. And he's like, dude, I double dog dare you to go approach him.

13:47 And I'm like, fuck you, man. I'm going right now. So he's like, are you serious? I'm like, yeah, watch this. So I get up and I approach it. That was like a six out of 10 for me. And this is when I was gaming all the time. So it also depends on the situation. I was cold in that situation. I had no dopamine. I was instinctually afraid of what the tribe would think of me. Because going back to my previous example, we are wired to be afraid of our reputation getting ruined.

14:13 So I had all that going against me. I was pretty nervous. And this only happened a few years ago when I was gaming full fucking time. I was dating literally five chicks at that time. I had nothing to lose, but I was still nervous. So it depends on how warm you are, what the situation is, how attracted you are to the girls, how you feel about yourself internally, your belief systems, and also your dating situation. If you approach a really hot girl, but you're already dating four other girls, you don't give a shit about what happens.

14:43 So you're willing to approach her and you don't care about the outcome, which is a huge thing that I teach in my coaching. From quantity comes quality. Not only do you need to meet a high number of women to find out what you want, but when you have a lot of women on your Rolodex, you don't give a shit if something goes wrong. You'll tell a girl to kick rocks with her head down because you don't care. And this is the basis of all my coaching.

15:06 Abundance, abundance, abundance. And more importantly, gentlemen, believe in yourself, get warmed up, get that dopamine high, and then go approach that girl focusing on the fact that you had the balls to approach her, not caring about whether or not she likes you. And yeah, guy, if you have really high approach anxiety, I kind of have to question you a little bit. Don't feel bad about it. I had the same thing. It's not your fault. It was probably given to you by your parents before you could defend yourself from it.

15:33 But you have to look within and tell yourself, yeah, I probably have some issues there. I probably have some belief systems there. I care way too much about what girls think of me, what they say to me, what their opinion is. And to finalize this entire episode, I want to tell you this, and I want to give you something for those of you who stayed until the end. When a girl is really negative towards you, she has what I call toxic shame. Toxic shame means that she has something shameful within herself where she's willing to go negative against you if you approach her.

16:06 So when I approach a girl and she's really negative towards me where she's like, get out of here, creep, I know immediately that it's her issue. She feels like a creep. She feels like she's bothering people. She feels not worthy. Anybody who hates on you is telling you exactly what they think about themselves. This is why when people hate on me on Instagram, I immediately know everything I need to know about him. He has toxic shame. He's embarrassed of himself. He's super insecure. Why would anybody, think about this, spend their time hating on another person on social media platforms?

16:40 Because obviously, man, they feel like shit. Why would a girl who's happy with herself, she's thriving, she knows she's beautiful, she's feminine, ever insult you and make you feel like shit? Okay, that's toxicity. I'm not saying it's toxic femininity. I'm saying it's toxicity, where she has a toxic moment in her life, she's simply throwing it at you because you happen to be there. And if it wasn't you, it would have been somebody else. So never take a woman's negative reaction to you seriously. Never have it influence what you feel about yourself.

17:13 You, brother, are a champion. You are working on yourself. You are here for a reason. You have a purpose and you have value. So value yourself. Love yourself. Know that you are a champion because you approached that girl. And what happens in that interaction does not fucking matter. If you, brother, are sick of having that anxiety, even after that episode, you're like, yeah, I got to be honest, bro. I have like an eight out of 10 approach anxiety. Dude, you need to work on your belief systems.

17:41 This is exactly what we do in my three-month coaching program. Every single guy who comes in gets to remove these belief systems. And that's why we have the reputation we do, because we get success after success after success, not by just telling you, go open as many drills as you can. Go use this technique, that technique. That's part of it. But the biggest influence is inside here. And I'm pointing at my head for those of you listening on audio. Change the belief systems. You will change your life.

18:07 NLP has completely changed my life. I want to use it to change your life too. This is my purpose here. So if you're interested in exploring that with us, if you're interested in my three-month coaching program, click the link in the description below, put in your application. You and I are going to talk. We're going to email back and forth and see if I can help you get to the next best version of yourself. A girl magnet who has a three or less approach anxiety, just like I do.

18:31 And his approach anxiety is all based on how warmed up he is. And God bless America. He doesn't give two shits about what she thinks. He actually thinks she's an idiot if she doesn't like him. And if she's negative towards him, he's just like, dude, it's her toxic shame. I feel bad for that girl because her life must really suck if she's going to come at me with that kind of energy. That's the way an alpha thinks. That's the way an unapologetic man thinks. Unapologetic about being attracted to women.

19:00 Unapologetic about approaching. And unapologetic about the fact that you even need to work on yourself, which is why you're even listening in the first place. And for that, I respect you. Gentlemen, I have another awesome one coming on Thursday. I can't wait to deliver this one to you. So stay tuned for that one. And I will see you in the next episode. We'll see you in the next episode.

This transcript was made automatically, so a few words may be off.